“A man’s heart plans his way,
but the Lord directs his steps.”
I have been wanting to sit down and write out about this for 2 weeks now and am glad I have not yet but feel now is the time. We found out 2 weeks ago at 31 weeks that this baby is indeed breech. For any of you who have read some previous posts you will know that I have had my heart set on a VBAC. They tell me there is still plenty of time for the baby to turn but I am hesitant to keep my hopes there as this is the exact week we found out Joshua was breech and he got himself in a nice comfy cozy position and that was the end of it. For the first week everytime I felt this baby’s head right under my ribs I had to fight back tears. I was devastated to find out that was what I was feeling and the thought of an impending repeat c-section just knocked me flat down. I can’t go through this again. What are you doing God? May I remind you that the only reason why my husband is separated from our family for the next 2 months and we are not with him is so we can stay in the location we are at to attempt a VBAC. If we knew we were just going to have another c-section then we would be with him and deliver out there. Didn’t you have that in mind when you allowed this baby’s head to find my ribs and decide that was comfy?
I have been in a constant struggle these past 2 weeks of surrendering control and desires over to the Lord. Thankfully God is good. He is teaching me some things that are far deeper then just having contentment with a repeat c-section. I am currently in the middle of a bible study through some psalms (A 30 Day Walk With God Through the Psalms by Nancy Leigh DeMoss) and God is showing me some incredible things. When David prayed in his psalms for deliverance and for God to provide and remove his circumstances from him He always ended with “so you may be glorified” or “for your name’s sake”. Nancy asks the question in the bible study: Are you more concerned about getting relief from your problems or about God being magnified through your problems? And she inserts a quote from John Macarthur: A truly godly person wants God’s glory to be exhibited more than he wants his own personal problems to be solved (pgs. 66-67 of the bible study book). This really brought great conviction to my heart. Instead of being on my knees praying for this baby’s head to turn I want to be on my knees praying for God to be glorified in this circumstance. I want my hearts longing to be for His name to be proclaimed, not for my circumstances to turn out the way I want.
I have also been convicted with the thought of do I trust the Lord even when things do not turn out the way I want? This has been a question on my heart for more than just this application and it seems God just keeps bringing me to situations where this is the question. I know God is good, I know He worked all things for good to those who believe in Him, I know He loves me and has a plan for good in my life, I know He is sovereign, I know He does not punish us and is mean to us. I know all of these things so now that I’m down to the nitty gritty do I believe and trust it unwaveringly? I want to be there so bad. I want to have a joy and a peace if we have another c-section knowing that I’m trusting the Lord and He has a great plan for it and He has a purpose for His name to be glorified more through this route than a VBAC.
And probably the most convicting aspect of this situation has been my battle with why I can’t just be thankful for having healthy babies. That sounds weird to even type out. The reality is I have been immensely and undeservedly blessed. God has blessed us so much with our 2 healthy babies and healthy deliveries and thus far our third pregnancy has been perfect. I know many women who are struggling with infertility and miscarriages and other extremely devastating challenges. And this is my challenge… a potential repeat c-section. There are women who would give anything to be able to carry a baby in their womb and would care less if that baby was delivered via c-section. Talk about perspective! There are millions of women worldwide who CHOOSE to have this operation (why I still don’t understand but nonetheless we are not facing something that someone has not willingly chosen to have as part of their life story). I felt extremely guilty and mad at myself for not snapping out of it and just being thankful for what we have. God has been good to me in this area and bringing different convictions and stories across my path to help me keep my perspective appropriate. The bottom line is that I AM so thankful for these pregnancies and if this baby is delivered c-section then that will not change my thankfulness. God has really blessed us and I do not want to lose that perspective and take it for granted.
So while I still advocate for a VBAC and think it’s the best option when it is an option and while I am still struggling with disappointment that this baby is breech and while I am still struggling with getting my hopes up for the baby to turn I am continually working and praying on trusting God for His plan, desiring God to be glorified more than my circumstances to change and remembering to keep my perspective in order and not forget how thankful and blessed we truly are.